Modern Family — Schooled (S4E02)

(My review of the last episode of Modern Family, Bringing Up Baby)

Somehow a miracle has occurred, and Haley got into college! If Haley is the future of America, America must be pretty doomed, so Alex suggests already switching to Chinese currency. When Haley leaves she wants to ensure that Alex doesn’t “dork up [their] room,” to which Alex responds with “Don’t slut up your college.” Though they deflect their sadness with their sarcasm and means jokes, they are truly sad to see each other go and hug for awhile. When it’s Luke’s turn to say goodbye, he comes in wearing a ridiculous mask so Haley doesn’t see him cry. He is literally masking his emotions so he looks tougher. When Phil and Claire help Haley in the moving process, they embarrass nearly beyond imagination. Phil is wearing a “Haley’s Moving Co.” shirt that has her as a little kid on it. This is a nice throwback to his t-shirt-making obsession from previous episodes. Phil, reminiscent of his own college days, grabs Haley’s roommate’s butt, thinking its Claire’s. If her telling her dad isn’t bad enough, as he is trying to explain himself, he knocks over a box full of condoms (that Claire bought Haley) and Haley notices her My Little Pony bedsheets. Haley begs her roommate not to judge her based on her parents, she isn’t a freak like them. When the other family leaves the room, Haley sends her parents home, completely mortified of their behavior and her own first impression at her new college.

Haley quickly regrets her rash decision when she sees that she is the only student without her parents. She goes back to her room and reads Phil’s-osophy, a present from her dad with all of the life lessons he’s learned. She calls them up to thank them and tells them that she loves and misses them. Both Phil and Claire are choking back tears so she won’t realize that they’ll miss her so much more than she’ll miss them. Not to mention that she’s never showed them this kind of affection before. And to top it off, Haley is wearing her dad’s “Haley’s Moving Co.” shirt.

Haley isn’t the only one who is going off to school for the first time, it’s also Lily’s first day of kindergarden. Cam and Mitch try to comfort her about leaving home for the first time, but she waves goodbye and runs off to play, which nearly breaks Cam’s heart. But almost immediately, Lily is picked on by another child, Connor. Cam grabs the kid and threatens him to back off. Mitch and Cam are then sent to the principal’s office to discuss this; just like high school all over again. Cam, furious about how Connor treated Lily (but deeming himself not at all at fault), calls the kindergarden The Hunger Games, because hair pulling compares perfectly with kids being forced to kill other kids.

Though Cam and Mitch insist that lesbians and gays are incredibly different, they practically prove the opposite. One of Connor’s moms is incredibly stereotypical of a lesbian, she is butch and rash. This compares nicely to Cam being an incredibly stereotypical gay man, he is emotional and dainty; and her name rhyming with Cam (it’s Pam) is there to emphasize this point. However, they both hate perpetuating the common stereotypes so they give each other a hard time about it. Connor’s other mom is rational, gentle, and sensible, much like Mitch, they try to keep the mandated play date civilized and under control. This becomes very difficult when the kids lock themselves into the bedroom and refuse to come out. After a long time of coaxing, the kids agree to come out, which sparks the realization that, though gays and lesbians are very different, they (and straight parents) all love their kids.

Manny forces Jay and Gloria to attend a parenting school, because he is worried that he will have  to do all of the work. Jay is old and out-of-touch and Gloria never really took care of him. What if the baby came out stupid and no one was there to take care of him? Jay and Gloria go into the class thinking that they know everything, Gloria is trying to show off and Jay is trying to be funny. Neither of them are successful. When they are insulted, they decide to leave, which causes Manny to be incredibly disappointed in them. Jay promises Manny that he is the man of the house and that he will take care of the baby, which soothes Manny significantly.

I really hope that now that Haley is off in college, Luke and Alex will receive more screen time. They are absolutely hilarious, but underused. One or two one-liners are not enough for them, they need larger story arcs.

It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed as hard as I did when I heard some of the quotes from Phil’s-osophy, so I compiled a list of all of the ones they said. Here ya go!

  • “Always look people in the eye, even if they’re blind, just say ‘I’m looking you in the eye.'”
  • “If you get pulled over for speeding, tell the policeman your wife has diarrhea.”
  • “You only get one chance at a first impression. I suggest Julia Child, because it’s easy to do.”
  • “The most amazing things that can happen to a human being will happen to you if you just lower your expectations.”
  • “Dance until your feet hurt, sing until your lungs hurt, act until you’re William Hurt.”
  • “Take a lesson from parakeets: if you’re ever feeling lonely, just eat in front of a mirror.”
  • “Never be afraid to reach for the stars, because even if you fall, you’re always wearing a parent-chute.”
  • “Marry someone who looks sexy while disappointed.”
  • “Older black ladies make the best iced tea.”
  • “Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration, and 2% attention to detail.”
  • “You can tell a lot about a person from his biography.”
  • “Watch a sunrise at least once a day.”
  • “If you love something, set it free. Unless it’s a tiger.”
  • “If you’re ever in a jam, a crayon scrunched up under your nose makes a good pretend mustache.”
  • “When life gives you lemonade, make lemons. Life will be all like ‘What!?'”


(My review of the next episode of Modern Family, Snip)


About MockingSilence

Just an opinionated teenage girl who watches too much TV.

Posted on October 19, 2012, in Comedy, Modern Family and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

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